Onward and Upward

I'm feeling like myself again. I've been feeling pretty good, all things considered. Zach is finally out of here. He's been out, but I think the spirit of him is gone as well. There are a few random knick knacks here and there, but I don't notice. I am LOVING this freedom, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I will ALWAYS care about him. We went through some difficult things together but at the end of the day, we couldn't hold ourselves together. But that's alright. Everything really does happen for a reason, and all I can do is look forward.

I've been doing some more photography, slowly but surely. I still haven't had any more paying jobs, but I've been getting myself out there more, by doing pictures for different people! It's been a lot of fun, and I'm reconnecting with people I haven't had contact since my high school days. Friends have also been coming over a lot, which has helped. It's nice to know they can drop over unannounced and I'm not going to be in trouble for letting them hang out a while. This is how life should be...easy and laid back.

Work has been...different. With the passing of I-164, we are closing down. They have already given my one of my coworkers her last day notice. I have been looking for another job, but it's scary! I want to find a new job because I WANT one, not because I'm being forced out of my other one. I could be gone any day. I don't have any weekdays off for a while, so I've been doing a lot of looking around online. It's nerve wracking, but I won't let it get me down.



Going...Going...

Zach is packing up his things. He will be gone by Friday night/Saturday morning. I should be glad he's going...he's throwing a fit about two missing pillowcases. But I'd rather have HIM here, and ANGRY, then nobody at all. I think that's kind of sad. I haven't know anything else for two and a half years. It's not like I'm the first person in the world to go through a break up. This year has just been so hard. The miscarriage. Zach. Now I might be losing my job.

The urge to pack up and take off is SO strong, but I can't afford to do that (especially now). This year is testing me, and I'm at my wit's end. Somebody, help me.

I'm so angry. Zach and I are finally over. He's moving out this week. We've been offically single for the last two weeks. He is already seeing someone else. While I don't want to be with him, I'm incredibly hurt that the last two and a half years meant basically nothing to him. They weren't the best two years, but we went through a lot together. Now the only person who was there EVERYDAY and know knew EVERYTHING, is abandoning me. Maybe these feelings are irrational. After all, it really is better off that I'm not with him. He has so many personal issues to work through. I can't seem to get rid of this burning in my stomach and chest, no matter what I do. Only time is going to fix anything, but I feel so impatient. I forgot how bad this feeling was.

I don't know if I would feel as bad if I had people in the area. My nearest relative is Steph, and she's two hours away. My best friend has her own life and problems. I can't blame her for not being here. Everything is falling apart, but it has to happen so that it can come back together, the right way. I just hope I can ride it out.

A Good Day

Saturday was SO much fun. I had my first paying photo job! I worked with Donald and Darcy. Donald is Lila's older brother. We went to Lawrence Park and took over 200 photos. I cleaned up about 35 pictures for them and made prints. It was exciting to work with new people, but it also made me nervous! I couldn't boss them around like my other models and I HAD to do well since they were giving me money. Overall, I had a lot of fun and I can't wait to get out there and do more pictures!

Bitch? Me??

I think my biggest pet peeve EVER is when a "friend" asks for my opinion. Since we are "friends" I am going to be honest with you. Isn't that what friends do? So when you ask me how that hideous torn up "fashionable" mini skirt looks - and I say it's not all that great - do NOT get offended. Maybe it's bitchy to tell the truth.

And if you want to ruin your life, that's fine. But think of the other people in your life that you are taking down with you. Is it really fair? Especially to someone who can't do anything about it. When you write checks to places and then place stop payments and close your account, don't call ME a bitch for telling you that what you did was wrong. If you incur debits, man up and pay for them. If you want me to have a good opinion of you, do good things.

The only person being a bitch is you. I'm just being honest.

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning in a sea of debt.

I had my miscarriage on July 4th. All things considered, I thought I handled it fairly well. However, these last four weeks have been SO hard. Nights are the worst. I keep thinking of the "What If's". I know these things happen for a reason, but why me?

To make things harder, every week I get new doctor bills. We were FINALLY getting ahead. We paid off our furniture, and sold Zach's summer car. By doing that, we eliminated over $300 dollars worth of insurance and bills we paid every month. And now it's all swallowed up by bills and we are further behind. It's all so overwhelming.

I know that in time we will be where we want to be and have the family we want. It's just so hard to keep your head above everything when something is always pulling you down.

My First Post

The last few months have been very trying. I am glad to finally have a place to put down my rantings, thoughts, and feelings.

I guess I will start off with an introduction to who I am. My name is Sarah and I'm 22 years old. I currently reside in a smallish city in NorthWest Montana. I guess I am a pretty typical person. I enjoy reading and listening to music. I also like to go out and have a good time on occasion. I am currently employed full time as a Loan Shark. In my free time I love getting out and working on my photography. I like taking pictures of interesting or pretty plants and animals, but I LOVE doing portraits. I have done several shoots for family members and friends, and I'm always on the prowl for new subjects.

I have two sisters, an older one and a younger one. Being the average middle child, I am the bridge between the two. I am mild and even tempered with a good sense of humor. I love my family (even though they drive me completely crazy 98% of the time) and I wish we could all get together more often. As of right now, we are all scattered around the country. I am grateful for the few days we spend together every few months though. My family is a great support system and I am lucky to have them.

I am currently living with my boyfriend. We get along pretty well, for the most part. He also drives me crazy 98% of the time, but we work it out. I am fortunate that we have the same goals and priorities in life.

Eventually I hope to attend school for photography. It would amazing to turn my hobby into a career. I do NOT see myself working the 9 - 5 job (though I used to think it would make me happy). I love doing different things every day, and I can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow (even though I hate surprises).